I have not blogged in so long, partly because I don't think people even read it, but I thought, you know I am doing this for me, so here I am.
I have been having this overwhelming feeling to pray for our baby, don't get excited, we are not pregnant, yet, that we know of. I have been praying for our baby specifically, praying we have a healthy, smart, God loving, child, I have even prayed for a specific gender. Then I stopped doing that, and prayed to God, that whatever we have will be a true blessing, boy or girl, he or she will be your gift to us, so I will not be ungrateful, and have such specific demands. My husband informed me the other day, not a day goes by that he does not pray for us to have a baby, such endless faith on his part. Y'all I have to admit, I said something the other day I never thought I would say, I said I have given up hope, I give up, and when I did, my husband looked at me and didn't say a word, he just stared at me. Y'all to understand this, my husband is never at a loss of words, he always has something to say, but when he said nothing and sat there and just looked at me, I immediately began to cry, because I knew I had hurt him to the point where there was nothing he could say. When the initial shock wore off, he told me, you have always been our hope person, throughout all the trials and tribulations we have faced, you have always given me hope everything will work out, and it always does. When I heard you say you have lost all hope, it made me scared to think, if you, meaning me, have lost hope maybe there is nothing to be hopeful about in this situation. WOW!!!! So after talking this out, I realized I have not lost hope, or my faith, I just had a moment of temporary insanity. Struggling to have a baby is a true test of faith, a true test in a lot of things, and it's important to know you have a good support system surrounding you. It is not always easy to talk to my husband about this, because he is going through this too. It would be selfish of me to say, it's not about you it's about me not being able to get pregnant. He wants a child just as bad as I want one. I see the way he looks at dads with their sons or daughters, and I see the longing in his eyes, he doesn't notice me watching him, but I do, and each time, my heart breaks a little. Y'all I am a problem solver, that's just how I am, but this is something that has me on my knees each and every day. It is frustrating to not be able to say, hey I can do this and it's fixed, but by faith and my love for our God, I know the reward will be ours soon. I pray I have the will and the hope to be like my husband and have the faith to know no matter what, even when I just don't want to keep fighting for this, to keep praying, to keep turning to God, and always, always know I am not alone in this, God is crying with me, He is walking with me, He is carrying me when I cannot walk, He is holding me in his arms when I am sorrowful. HE NEVER LEAVES ME!!!!! Amen for that...... If you do read this, I do ask you pray for me, for us, that our faith will remain strong, and please pray for our baby(future), that when he/she enters this world he or she will be entering it to serve a mighty, mighty purpose for our God.
Jennifer
