God won't you make me a momma

This is something I have been known to say so many times. Oh how I long to be a momma, to bring a child into this world, and have he/she serve a mighty purpose. I long to hold my own baby in my arms and feel the love between a mother and her child. I see in my husband's eyes, also, how he longs to be a father, and I believe in my heart, he would make a great one. I always believed out of my friends, I would be the first one with children, and to say, I wasn't, is heartbreaking. I really am happy when I find out one of my friends is pregnant, but naturally I am a little sad, because I want that to be me. I know God has a plan and he does things in his time, and if I have heard once, I have heard a million times, be patient, it will happen, well to hear that, and not really know for sure, it's not comforting. I used to love watching the Baby Story on TLC, but now every time I do, I cry, so to keep me from being an emotional wreck, I choose to stay away from it. I love looking a baby clothes, dreaming of different ways I would decorate the nursery, some times I can get lost in it. My husband pretty much doesn't talk about it, because it hurts him. Here we are, doing right, good honest hard working people, and we can't catch a break, I cry out why God, why not me. It hurts it really does. I remember one time, I honestly believed in my heart, I was pregnant, I just knew it, took a test, said negative, waited another day, took another test, nope, nada, nothing, well two days later my little monthly friend came along, and boy was I upset, I cried, I screamed, and I begged, my husband had to leave the house that day, it was too much for him, and I cried out to God, why can't I be a momma, why can't I have that, what have I done to deserve this, I cried for an hour, I know, and then all of sudden I quit and was at peace, no more tears were shed. I haven't cried over not being a momma in months, and I won't say I won't cry again, I am saying it seems a little easier to bear. Nothing would make me happier than to be a momma, and I want that above all else, but I have to leave it in God's control, and let him lead the way. I have found out I do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, don't know the specifics, but it does make conceiving difficult, so I am on medicine for that, and there are other issues I am faced with, which makes the situation even harder, but I pray for comfort and patience. I remember when I was younger I said if I didn't have children by the time I was 30, I would not have any, well I am 30 and a couple of months away from being 31, and my husband said well I guess we will just have children in our 30's, believe me this was not part of my plan, I planned on having two children by the time I was 25, well considering I didn't get married until I was 27, that was out of the question. My OB GYN is all for me having children this late, she said women are doing it more and more these days, but she wants to get on the fast track, so in her words by the time I am 35, I will have two. Whew. I say if the Lord blesses me with one, I will be fine. I do have twins on my momma's side, my momma is a twin, and I tease Philip, that is what we will end up with, he doesn't find humor in this, because having two at once, scares him. Heck, me too. I know there are so many out there walking in the same shoes as me, and I know they have shared the same heartache I have, I pray for our comfort, and pray we can give the complete control to God, I honestly have to work on this, I am not good at giving up complete control of anything in my life. I just know God hears my prayers and holds them close to his heart, I pray that he will guide my doctors in the right direction in the trying to conceive journey, and I pray that as I have to go through this trial, I am strong through it all.

This is my prayer I say quite often:
Lord, I thank you for all you have given me and blessed me with. As I do everyday, I praise you for all things. I pray to you right now lord, to take this burden off of my hands, you know the prayer I pray nightly, to be a momma and make my husband a daddy, you witness the pain we both share, and I ask that you lead us in the right direction, you guide the doctors, and you wrap your arms around us and give us comfort in these trying times, Lord you know how many times I have cried out to you, begged you, I pray that when I feel the need to do that, you will give me the strength to overcome it, and know you are in control. I pray I can give you all the control. Lord, I pray for those who are walking the same walk as I am, will know comfort, and I pray they find comfort in you. Thank you Lord for what I am, what I have, and what is to come.

Your child,
Jennifer